letting go of perfect

Last night I discovered that I've been knitting incorrectly for the last 3 years (ever since I learned the continental style). I've been twisting all of my purl stitches. I discovered it because I had knit and reknit the beginning of my sweater sleeve 6 times, and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong-why it looked so strange. So I sat down and really looked for the first time at several books and websites that explained twisted stitches and sure enough, every single purl stitch I've been making has been twisted.

When I realized this, I almost cried. Then I almost threw up. My first impulse was to gather up all of my knitting supplies and yarn stash, drive myself to the nearest bridge, and thrown myself and all the stuff off of it. And then I took a deep breath and really looked at my sweater.

I like the sweater. It doesn't look "bad" or "wrong." It's a first sweater. It's a lovely color, one that looks great with my fair skin, dark hair and freckles. The twisted stitches made the gauge really tight. There are some fluffy spots where the gauge was not so tight because I somehow managed to untwist the stitches. But all in all, it's pretty. It will be cozy for those chilly weekend mornings when I need something to throw over my pajamas as I sip my coffee and watch cartoons. It will be great for movie theaters. It's going to look darn nice with a pair of jeans and some hiking boots as I frolic in the cold-climated area that I am compelled to go to in the winter on occasion (I wouldn't go there by choice, but I do have to visit my family once in a while).

The drive to perfection and the feeling of worthlessness when it's proven that I'm not, in fact, perfect has been a theme in my life since I was a child. I hate making mistakes. And I'm embarrassed that I've been doing something wrong for so long. One of the hardest things I've had to learn to accept in knitting--mistakes will be made. I will have to figure out how to fix them or live with them.

Now that I understand the "correct" way to knit, I think it will be a lot easier for me to follow complex patterns without frustration, without wondering why I was having so much trouble. I'm excited to finish and wear this sweater, and I'm going to love it despite its (and my) imperfections. The best thing about this sweater is that it taught me how to make untwisted stitches. So instead of being angry and sad and sick about it, I'm going to be happy that I made it and just enjoy it. Now I can make even more sweaters, even better. There is no perfection. There is only improvement and gratitude for the lessons I've learned. There is only learning to like myself, mistakes and imperfections and all.